Tissue & Mass

If you could take me by the throat - choke the nonsense right out of me.

Make me see the staples that hold - layers of tissue and mass and humanity and mortality.

Would my eyes burn a thousand watts - manifesting that I understand energy's plan.

I wonder if you will ever - release that grip.

thought #836

I get apprehensive.

Will you like me as much as I like me?

That is the question.

Which really isn't asking much.

Will I give you a reason to stay?

Is there anyway to enhance my odds?

I want to say I will do anything,

But I won't.

I will continue to bite my nails.

Hoping I am good enough.

For you and me.

I know you have thought about it.

Have you ever wondered what kind of art artist's adorn their walls with.......



..........the wait is up

post-modern butterflies.

Oh, to be fluent in some prehistoric language.

Maybe then I could speak my heart.

Never to stumble over crumbling eggshells

or

drop from enormous boxes of metal in the sky.

Oh bible scriptures....

My mama just paraphrased a bible scripture to me and said, "If you don't hit the kid, you don't love them, so you are very loved Tamara!" I think it was a scripture in Proverbs. Can you even believe that.... My Mama is so funny some days.

Chafed Yesterdays.....

my eyes are burning from looking at you all night long.

my hands, well, let's just say my hands got a work-out they were not expecting.

everything ends up last minute.

Il mio nuovo desiderio del Internet

There's this guy.....


To be continued.

Untitled.

I have just begun to work on a new series. I am finally feeling motivated. Thank God.

thought #776

I am who I say I am.
Well at least for today.

Gone are the days I am to be haunted by fruit flys and thin layers of guilt.

Hmmmm....

Someone pointed out today that I date people for a certain season and when that season is up then I am done and gone....

It's something to think about as it is Fall and here I am seeing the guy I saw last Fall and haven't seen since......

Una Elephante

Since my ma's stroke she has been singing me this song ' UNA ELEPHANTE ' and it makes me smile. Genuinely smile.

Mascara.

My tears trace unfamiliar patterns on my cheeks.

How could I possibly be so lost.

When did I stop breathing.

Stop feeling.

That's it. I'm done.

I have no rhythm anymore.

I give up.

Man, i'm angry.

But there's nowhere I can place any blame.

I'm looking. Still looking.

In the meantime, I still have this damn mascara running down my face.............

my fear

It is so dark but your door is cracked open to expose a dim light. That's not all it exposed. You right there laying on the floor looking so vulnerable, feverishly writing. Writing, what were you writing? I startled you when I asked if everything was ok. You said you just couldn't sleep but I knew better.


Not everything is as it seems.
Your mask is slipping down.
Exposing my deepest fears.

I mean seriously.....

This year. 2008. Is not following any plan. Not that I had one to begin with. It's amazing that I am still able to laugh. I mean seriously...... Let's start with my 4 1/2 year relationship. It ended in a very unhealthy manner, which I should have seen coming. But yet didn't. Then my childhood dog goes and dies right in my arms. Fast-forward a few months and my mother has a heart attack and stroke. Now here we are 2 months later and I end up breaking my foot and will be in a walking cast for the next 5 weeks or so. Oh and my fish passed on as well last week.


This is really not my year.

But here I am still laughing..........

Serenity.

Sitting out on the porch listening to the waves and eating my raisin bran cereal with soy milk has been the most wonderful peaceful thing that I have experianced in the last couple of weeks here in Maine. When everything around me seems so chaotic and I feel like I can't breathe anymore, this is just what I need......



......A moment of serenity.

Stuck............

I hear you.

I really do

But it doesn't change the fact

That I am stuck right where I am.

Do you ever........

...........feel like you drank so much that even your toes are drunk???


Tonight I saw the ghost of my ex-lover. I sat and talked with him but it just wasn't the same. I, being so different with the blink of an eye. It never can be the same. You aren't even a good replacement. I guess i'll always have peppermints and beer.

Tripping down memory lane.....

I have been browsing through old photos today. I have so many other things I should be doing but I can't tear myself away from these visions of the past.....



Puerto Rico circa 2003


Reelfoot Lake Tennessee circa 2001

Putting it all in Perspective.

It's weird how one evening I can be watching an old Judy Garland movie with my mother and the next morning she can be having a heart attack. Things have gotten pretty surreal around here this week. I read somewhere that most people have heart attacks on Mondays. Not in my mother's case. This past Sunday my mother who is just a mere 53 years old had a heart attack and then once at the hospital she suffered a stroke. It is 1:26 am on Thursday and I am sitting here in the ICU typing and listening to my mother moan in her sleep. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason but I sit here in confusion. Maybe I shouldn't think about it to much, it will just make me more crazy. And nobody needs me to be any crazier, that's for sure. Puts a lot of stuff in perspective though....

Is it sick that I have to document everything......

To Do List.

Drink a beer.
Get laid.
Smoke a cigarette.

waiting.

i wait
for you
but it's
not
what you
think.

Death in all forms.

We all deal with it in different ways. So right now I am going to focus on how I deal with it. I am good at not dealing at all so I'm going to see where this goes.

Letting go.

We do this thing.

You and I.

Always covering our bases.

Never facing one another.

I let you hold me.

You let me pretend to cry.

It's too quiet in this house.

Too silent in my bed.

Death clinging to our goodbyes.

It's my turn to walk away.

About me.

I do not date boys named Michael nor ones who wear socks with sandals.
I stay up way too late and fall asleep thinking of ads on Craigslist.
Some days I am 67 others 11.
I do not eat meat, just because.
One day I will draw that elusive tattoo design.
I'm falling apart yet so completely stable.
If I ask you "do you like to read" magazines don't count.
I want to believe in love and truth and miracles.
Laughter is the only medicine.
I want a lot but need very little.
I get to choose who becomes a part of my story.
Labels are ugly and stale.
I am partial to the dictionary.
Humility is sexy.
I am into creating, usually messes.
I feel as if I am evolving into exactly the gal i'm supposed to be.

Something unfamiliar.

I thought I saw something unfamiliar to my nature, today. Seeing it surface but turning away before I could confirm if what I was seeing was actually what I thought it was. And then hitting me in full force, I hear myself say, this is what bitterness looks like. Oh, how ugly it is. Ugly, ugly, ugly. This is what causes hearts to decay. I cannot put this in a box, close the lid and slide it in the darkest corner I can find. I can't let the dust settle on this. But what do I do?

A bit of what I do.

This is a bit of my work from last year. I am in the process of a daily project and hope to post soon.

Beautiful Weeds.

We are all weeds.


But completely beautiful ones at that....

Change.

Things change and I learn to deal.....

Nostalgia.

I wish it would always be like this.

Wistful desires.....

Wednesday Nights.

Barely.

Without disguise.

We observe.

Human nature ensues.

We are only

Paper thin ghosts....

Inspired.

I read a few blogs today. I was feeling unsure of how I wanted mine to reflect me. And now I am inspired. I think I will try to start a new project tonight if the drunkness allows......

The Doubtful.....

It is amazing to me that at times I still doubt my creativity. The quickening of my heart, the sudden catching of my breath in the back of my throat......Am I really creative? Can I do this? Some days it seems bigger than me. And then it becomes clear in those quiet moments that yes, this is what I was meant to do. If not for anyone but myself. The process sets me free. It's a mending of my soul. When I create, I can breathe a little easier, cry a little harder and laugh a little louder. The finished piece allows me to see a deeper part of myself. If I think about it, the doubt is really part of the process as well. It reminds me that I can be vulnerable an open with myself. And in the end it all comes together.

The start of something good.

I am glad I am doing this.